This Chicken, Fish ♦ Various Adventures

This Chicken, Fish

A long time ago in New Jersey, a young bird grew up to be the Chicken of Tomorrow…from his humble, quiet origins, he would … well, actually he wasn’t so humble. In fact, he was always kind of grouchy, seemingly because everybody kept getting into horrible fixes and he had to go keep saving them. Not only that, but Fission Chicken (”Fish” to his friends) kept encountering the most horrendous, disgusting monsters and villians and stuff, generally loud, overbearing, and noisy. But did anybody appreciate this? No, they’d complain that Fission Chicken bent a lampost, or that he had a bad attitude. No wonder he was on the irritable side.

There are many stories concerning the childhood of our erstwhile chicken… few of them showing much congruity with the others. Various origin stories have him being rocketed to Earth from another planet as a baby, or depict him as some manner of government-backed mutation project, or that he got his considerable powers from a mysterious elixir, or that a god of some sort imparted those powers to him, and so on and so on. When asked if a particular story could be true, Fission Chicken usually says, “Yeah, maybe.” Sometimes he will make up a story on the spot; for a while, he enjoyed telling people he got his powers from drinking chocolate milk.

Among the many weird and powerful villians Fission Chicken has faced, the most sneaky and tenacious are probable the Vortoxians, a race of marketing experts from an alien planet who have replaced their original bodies with ones of plastic and metal… so that they would be better executives. They frequently try to take over Earth through various schemes involving alienized consumer products, hypnotic media techniques, underhanded buyouts, and the like. Fortunately, the Chicken of Wrath keeps finding out about their plans and is quick to take vigorous action against them… generally with much noise and violence.
Another set of opponents is the Ditsy Empire… the insanely bloated, multinational entertainent cartel that drapes its technicolor tentacles all over the world. This bloated corporation is often in cahoots with the Vortoxians (not inappropiately), at the same time being run by the mutated, disembodied brain of Walt Ditsy himself! (Or at least it was before F.C. finished him… but “Walt” has come back from apparent death before….)
In spite of all these mighty efforts of combatting the forces of brain death, most people just don’t appear to appreciate the Pullet of Power. Indeed, they do not even comprehend that there was any danger to begin with; they believe what the television tells them, they cannot understand that any beings would ever try to “own” them. But Fission Chicken philisophically shrugs his shoulders, being used to the situation after so many recurrences… and is always ready to battle the next bad guy.

One thing Fish has never had to worry about is boredom; a seemingly endless parade of bizarre entities keep emerging to cross swords with our hero. The Creatures from Ineptune, the Ether Bunny, K’Celboo the ten-story slime demon, movie monster Ferdie Cruller, the Dero, the Fuzzy Cutekins, P.U. Evolcraft (a necromancer, a bad-smelling one), living toilet bowls of terror, and many more too grotesque to list.

Yes, Fission Chicken has always fought against the soul-destroying forces of mediocrity, banality, and greed. (He can’t stand to watch what’s on TV, either.) He stands ever ready to take up arms against a sea of jerks and creeps, as touchingly related in his immortal theme song (to the tune of “Yankee Doodle”:)

Fission Chicken, Bird of Rock            Fission Chicken, give them fits
Sees the living dead wake!               Fission Chicken, be rude
Supersonic Fighting Cock                 Smash the bad guys into bits
Will mash them flat as pancakes!         And make them look like dog food!

Indeed, we can all learn one of life’s most important lessons from the Chicken of Tomorrow… the most important of which is that when you see a disgusting, wart-covered mutant hanging around the neighborhood, or when plastic-bodied aliens come to evict you from your house, just take a deep breath and zap them good with your fission ray… or pick up the nearest multi-ton steel girder and beat them into a mushy pulp. That’ll teach them!

Various Adventures

“The Real Awful Terror of Boogog”… in which Fish goes to rescue the Fuzzy Cutekins (whom he despises) from the clutches of Boogog, a giant spider who wants to eat them. Fission Chicken ends up losing his temper and cramming the Fuzzy Cutekins down the monster’s throat. (Critters #15)

“Marketing Experts from Beyond, Part 1″ …the first appearance of Fish’s perennial foes, the Vortoxians. He takes an alien mind-control unit from a video billboard at the mall, only to be attacked by a Vortoxian plastic robot (disguised as a reporter for Treacle magazine)… (Critters #19)

“Marketing Experts from Beyond, Part 2″… Hooking up the robot’s head to a portable scanner, Fission Chicken and his pal Skip Squirrelhard, P.I. track down the control source to a local McDungall’s hamburger stand. Dumping our heroes in a basement room, the alien chiefexec Selmor-99 reveals himself, explaining that the Vortoxians are a race of marketing experts who have made themselves into plastic-bodied cyborgs… the better to “sell’ their planetcorp Vortox across the galaxy! Selmor-99 then unleashes a swarm of flying mechanical drones to inject the mind-control sweetener “Muta-Sweet” into the brains of Fish and Skip!! (Critters #20)

“Marketing Experts from Beyond, Part 3″… Having evaded the flying drones, Fish and Skip contrive to act “injected”, and are led to a Success Habit Inspirational Talk in the next room, where another Vortoxian (Kikbak-72) is lecturing a group of Earth people. Fission Chicken pretends to be fully compliant, and even gets up onstage to speak… but then whirls around and welds the alien’s plastic feet to the floor with his power ray. The Vortoxians simply pop their heads off and fly them into a waiting escape pod, but their escape is short-lived; Fish captures the pod and uses the alien’s heads for book-ends in his apartment! (Critters #21)

“The Creatures from Ineptune”… Fish deals with an invasion of heavy-set, not-too-bright aliens in this two-pager. This was the initial F.C. story sent to Critters, but it was held until room appeared in this issue. (Critters #23)

“Holiday Cheer, Musical Fear”… In this Christmastime story, necromancer P.U. Evolcraft, out of frustration with crowded checkout lines at the supermarket, decides to sabotage the holiday season by bizarre, occult music over the radio… music that causes the radios playing to come to life, sprouting eyes and teeth, and attacking the populace! F.C finds the solution and gives P.U. his comeuppance. (Critters #23)

“Head Games”… While undergoing interrogation from Fission Chicken, the Vortoxian’s disembodied heads make a bid for freedom, flying through the window, leading Fish on a wild chase. They’re almost recaptured, but escape by causing a nearby ATM machine to suddenly spew out all its money, slipping away in the resultant commotion. The aliens hide in the mailbox of P.U. Evolcraft, who takes them to be demons of some kind and takes full advantage of their ability to drain ATMs at will. (Critters #24)

“They Saved Walt’s Brain” (Part 1)… Dr. Frankenstang is not having much success in monster-building, when he receives a mysterious offer in the mail… Fish soon catches his assistant “Strep” O’Coccus with a bagful of brains. A big ugly monster crashes through the wall to attack Fish! Frankenstang’s benefactor watches from the shadows… (Critters #27)

“They Saved Walt’s Brain” (Part 2)… The Votoxians Selmor-99 and Kikbak-72 (or rather, their heads) are still hiding from F.C. when they see that Frankenstang’s unconscious monster is a Vortoxian product! They re-activate it to do their bidding, but Fish catches up and discovers that the Ditsy entertainment empire is in cahoots with the Vortoxians! He also has a conversation with the living brain of Walt Ditsy… (Critters #28)

“They Saved Walt’s Brain” (Part 3)… Ditsy and the Vortoxians are planning some brain-swaps: filmmaker Steven Spielbird will get Walt’s brain , and spoiled little twerp Michael Jukeson will get Dickey Mouse’s brain! The aliens spring a diabolical trap on Fish to insure his non-interference, but he breaks free and takes on an entire horde of Ditsy monsters in a battle royal! (Critters #30)

“The Chicken Duplicators” (Part 1)… Dr. Livergut and his assistant Crouton try to promote nuclear power, but Fish just makes fun of them… so they decide to make their own version of the Chicken of Wrath with a “Gene-ee” duplicating machine. Using one of Fish’s feathers for a genetic template, they end up with “Nuke Rooster”, who seems rather brusque… (Critters #32)

“The Chicken Duplicators” (Part 2)… Fission Chicken’s fight with his evil duplicate. (Well he’s not an exact duplicate… Nuke Rooster looks robotic, and has big pointy teeth besides.) Fish must stop the doppelganger from stealing nuclear waste, but N.R. seems just as powerful as F.C.; the day is saved when Fish fakes out the fake, big time. (Critters #33)

“They Came From Beneath Somebody’s Garage” (Part 1)… An empty lot and an old garage are being cleared away for a new shopping mall, awakening some sleeping monsters: the Dero, subterranean creatures of UFO lore! Fission Chicken arrives and is subjected to their weird weapons and their weird creatures. The Dero make their getaway, and Fish finds a book they dropped: “Atlas Slipped” by Ayn Rant… (Critters #35)

“They Came From Beneath Somebody’s Garage” (Part 2)… After fighting a remaining monster, F.C. finds out that the Dero are big Ayn Rant fans from long ago: long ago, the champion of “Objectionism” was digging a bomb shelter in her backyard, and found some Dero, and they got along real well… in the present, however, the Dero are creating a huge artificial volcano, and calling for her. Fish is held back by an invisible force field, but he gets them to call everything off by the use of an old movie film. (Critters #36)

“Toilets of Terror”… The folks at Livergut Labs dump some mutagentic DNA waste down the toilet bowl… resulting in a very noisy, hyper, living toilet bowl with eyes and teeth. Fish smashes it to bits, but each bit grows into a seperate toilet monster! Further combat creates a gigantic, towering toilet monster!! But don’t worry, Fish wipes it out before the end. (Critters #38)

“The Homogenization Ray”… This thrilling tale takes up the entire issue cover to cover as the Fowl of Fury tails a Vortoxian robot drone to a New York City toymakers convention. Fish unveils a plot to alter the populace of the tri-state area into interchangeable clones! He also encounters the Middle-Aged Generic Mutant Tortoises, much to their mutual displeasure. (Critters #39)

“The Beast With Five Toes”… In this story, the evil spirit of a Tibetan demon’s foot wreaks havoc at a museum; it even possesses Fission Chicken’s foot! But old pal Skip, being a detective, knows the remedy. (Critters #50)

“The Wizard of Ooze”… concerned Fish’s run-in with necromancer P.U. Evolcraft (who was stealing a mummy from a museum), and subsequent battle with K’celboo, a giant orange slime demon. Other villains included were the West Side Coven (Evolcraft’s competitors) and the Ether Bunny (whose specialty was tossing knockout-gas eggs). (Fission Chicken #1)

“A Nightmare on Elmer Street”… detailed the Chicken of Wrath’s fight with the movie monster Ferdie Cruller, who had apparently come to life in order to menace movie producer Stu Dinerdud. Fish is treated to some peculiar sights before he figures out what’s up! (Fission Chicken #2)

“Attack of the Video Zombies!” (Part 1)… involves the disappearance of people who rent too many dumb movies at a particular video rental store; Fish’s pal Skip Squirrelhard, P.I. dons an impenetrable disguise (as a raccoon) in order to help him dig beneath the surface… (Fission Chicken #3)

“Attack of the Video Zombies!” (Part 2)… and beneath the surface is revealed the subterranean stonghold of the Video Zombies! Once normal citizens, they were abducted from the video store above and reprogammed with video camera units clamped to their heads! F.C. comes close to being overwhelmed by sheer numbers, but Skip makes his way to the control center and puts the bad guys through some changes. (Fission Chicken #4)

“Plan Nine From Vortox!”… In this full-length, one-shot epic, Fish, his main squeeze Monica, and his pal Skip encounter the combined forces of the Vortoxians and Ditsyland. Walt’s brain returns in a new and horrifying form! Action! Battle! Exploding Ditsy characters! Wow! (Plan Nine From Vortox, MU Press)

“The Suit”… in which Skip Squirrelhard, P.I. and Kjartan Arnörsson’s Savage Squirrel find themselves teamed up against a silent, bulletproof bank robber known only as “The Suit”. Their search leads them to an encounter with mad industialist Walter Dendright… and some old enemies! (Furrlough #82)

“Hey, Fission Chicken… What’s the Skinny?”… Fission Chicken is approached by victims of a weight-loss video that is causing them to shrivel to nothing! It turns out to be part of an evil plan by K’celboo (the orange slime demon) to re-enter the world of mortals! (Furrlough #85)

“A Gross Imposition”… Fish and Skip are checking out a UFO convention in hope of catching a lead on the Vortoxians, but only find random silliness… until a purported UFO souvenir comes to life and infects Fish with alien DNA! A long-dead alien pop-psychologist is taking him over, body and mind, and Normannu tells him time is running out! (SFA Spotlights #14, Fission Chicken)

“Island of Weird Shit”… After a night of torrential rain, a new island appears off the New Jersey coast! Fish goes to check it out. So do Monica, Skip, the guys from Livergut labs, various seekers, and Scrood McMallard (who wants to claim the new island for a Ditsy casino). A whole bunch of folks are looking at the island… but they don’t know the island is looking at them. (SFA Spotlights #14, Fission Chicken)

“Some THING for the Kids”… Twee, sickly, purple “Barfy the Dinosaur” gets on Fish’s nerves, so he’s more than happy to accept a case checking out his nefarious shenanigans. Barfy turns out to be a voracious psychic vampire from another dimension, but you already knew that.

“Return of the Creatures from Ineptune”… Skip is replacing a tire by the road when the Creatures from Ineptune appear and announce their intent to attack Earth! Skip tells them they shouldn’t, and they go away. Skip goes back to replacing his tire.